You can love two people at once? Love is an exclusive, which by its nature can be addressed only to a single person or several people you can love, simultaneously, giving each the same love, without depriving them of anything? We posed these and other, questions to Dr. Mariacandida Mazzilli, psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist. If you have curiosity, read on .
Meanwhile we can, so to begin to define what is love? What the partners or their mean. What is sometimes so strong that attraction that binds two people in a pair, for periods of longer or shorter periods in life?
We call “love” the positive force that pushes us towards a person we consider unique and special. The desire for physical closeness and emotional can give rise to a profound harmony between partners in order to feel and see life. This love, mature and healthy, implies an intimate alliance, the creation of that “world apart” from which both draw strength and warmth. You feel loved simply for what it is and identify partners in those qualities that make it different from anyone else.
Dominated by a feeling of confidence is not intended as an “optimistic”, but as real and concrete understanding of the partner, with his qualities and his limitations. Despite the knowledge that there can be no certainty that will last forever, both very much want the relationship and give unconditionally. It becomes important that the other feels and wants, without this affecting the care and attention to oneself. But love can also take that are less healthy, when the desire is to “own” their partner, to control them or consider it only as a support.
And then we pass to the question that inspired the theme of this interview? You can love, but want to love truly and fully, more than one person at a time, or love is something unique, that must be addressed to one person only?
Who lives two stories at once does not live “in a relationship more” but two reports incomplete and disappointing. In a bear the burden of things unsaid, conflicts were not addressed, grievances and dissatisfaction, the other is living with insecurity, uncertainty, and the many limitations daily. Within the official report is made everything “done”, how to accompany their children to school, go shopping, bring your mood from a hard day of work in the office. Often in the report “secret” is wearing a mask euphoric, cheerful, expressed a willingness to try new things. Pursue a second report (which is common in people who are struggling to freely express their emotions) often requires a great predisposition to self, to the cover.
The “ideal” situation in which the first to start a new report puts an end to the previous one, can be very difficult to implement in reality. The awareness of a serious crisis in the relationship may even be made possible precisely by the arrival of the “third”. Sometimes it is inevitable to spend a “three” for the time necessary to make clear to himself. But this scenario should be of short duration: drag for an indefinite time is indicative of a deep desire to keep those benefits (real or presumed) that the triangle would provide.
The relationship becomes unsatisfactory when there is no real involvement, but drag on for fear of being alone. Whoever ventures in triangular situations often tries to deny the crisis of its own pair, in a subtle game that aims to avoid the pain. When you are small it is strongly dependent on the mother, and from her own (or from the point of reference) will receive the first painful disappointment: the arrival of a sibling, the first day of kindergarten or school, Mother’s Intrusion or more of this attention to their needs and those of the small, are all situations in which the child loses the “centrality”.
The experience of trauma, is translated by the child as a person and as a rejection of his inhibitions to express their needs and their vitality. Old suffering can lead to a situation of “closure” in adulthood, a suspended state in which one is waiting for the “restitution” of what was taken away one time. In what way? Through the love relationship that will restore trust in others and the world. You can create in this way a situation is not “healthy”, in which the project meets the love of “claim” of some right, looking for the man or woman that adheres most closely to an unconscious need. This framework is not mature romantic love is an exciting time that can take on contours “fairytale”, with princes and princesses to save for a happy ending epilogue.
The perception of the hearing is impaired by a blind and irrational. The search for people who match as closely as possible to that model may unconsciously sought to determine the “joints” perfect. For example: those who tend to contain his creativity will be attracted by very vital and vibrant, living through which certain emotions otherwise precluded; who has low self-esteem is likely to be attracted to people socially valued, thus living of reflected light, and who feels at ease in the role of “universal parent” will search for a partner “child”, perhaps in need and capricious. In particular, the “parent partners” was led to do everything to take care of everything, because he is terrified of being dependent: surrender to his wishes as well as the partner gives up work as an adult child.
Those who persist in looking for that special “kind of guy” ends up involved in the same script and does not notice other and pretenders that do not correspond to that portrait unconscious. Those who are able to live the love in a more adult is aware from the outset that we are living a rewarding experience, which was then transformed into something else, that will perhaps less bright colors, but more intimate and profound. The real love affair coincides with the knowledge that you have found a unique person, with the desire to live to the fullest sense of pleasant enthusiasm and curiosity to know more and more that person that does not correspond to any predetermined cliches.
Leaving aside the theories and textbooks on psychology, which is its intimate and very personal opinion about this topic?
Delivering on two stories simultaneously can be very tiring and in the long run may leave a bitter aftertaste of dissatisfaction. It ends badly for a living and half both reports. Furthermore, the lies will surface sooner or later, even if you have an active imagination and talent in acting. Inevitably consumes the lie that the report can not stand on the continual dodging reality, the other offering an unrealistic image of themselves.
In a couple is natural that both partners can be found pleasing other people, without that threatens the relationship, which remains deep and supplements. When things seem to stop working for the best deal is worth the pain, to question its own pair and look more closely at the real needs, even though the cost may be paid by the end of the report. An important indicator of “quality” of married life is tied to the ability to better express their potential and their authentic personality: it is good when it improves with each other, when you discover parts of themselves that did not come out .